Habit

I'm not one to form addictions, though I've certainly tried. It probably sounds funny, or odd to some that at 26 I made an effort to become an alcoholic. I was living in Oakland California at the time and I was in search of an experience that I've never had... which literally could have been anything because I was raised so sheltered and lived such a Leave it to Beaver life that I was naive about the world and I was ill prepared to live in it, though I wasn't aware of it at the time. I just assumed we all thought the same way, we all did the same things, we all believed in simple black and white definitions of what the "right thing to do" meant. But I had this need to move away from the safety of my family's arms. I needed to not have the comfort of my friends and girlfriend conveniently available on a whim. I wanted a hint of struggle. I wanted to know aloneness or perhaps loneliness, maybe both. I couldn't tell you why I needed these things, I just instinctively longed for it and along with it I needed to rebuke my own sense of correct behavior, I needed a handy little vice and alcoholism was a simple option, especially because smoking pot (oh that dangerous gateway drug) just didn't appeal to me and I was too afraid of real drugs. Hey! I just told you I lived a leave it to beaver life... did you think that was hyperbole?

Anyway, I failed on all fronts but one. I couldn't become an alcoholic, I just don't have that kind of a need for dependency. I only survived living on my own away from everyone I knew for about six months and that was only because I had my friend Mark for the first leg of my journey, while I was in San Diego for about three weeks. Then I moved to Hermosa Beach in the Los Angeles area, where I had a full time job and a roommate with a lovely apartment. That lasted about three months. Then I ended up in Oakland and the true experiment began, but my friend Kyle lived in Berkeley and kept me from utter aloneness and loneliness. 

But I did get to know me a little better. And I discovered I really like me. I liked that aloneness didn't scare me, but that having friends and people I cared about in my circle was a preference. I decided I liked drinking alcohol too much to actually become an alcoholic. Alcoholics have no respect for the gift of a fine spirit or hearty brew. I liked my ability to create, my inclination for thinking outside of the box, my desire for experiences and my appreciation for the quirkiness of the human being. 

So where does this all tie into a blog entry about my post kidney transplant world? Well.. I fear I've fallen into a habit that could be far more detrimental than my attempt to become an alcoholic. I don't seem to be able to break the habit of "laziness." I don't think it's a case of simple laziness of course. I fill those hours with things I enjoy like writing and watching television. I suppose you could call watching television a lazy pursuit, but I really do enjoy keeping up with the daily news and then there are shows on television and Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Showtime, etc... that the plot lines and the writing are so good I get pulled in and can't NOT watch. And these hours on top of the work week hours, the grocery shopping, the cooking of dinner, the eating of dinner, the parenting moments and the just sit down for a moment moments... I don't exercise and I fear I can't break this habit. I have become addicted. Addicted to the life I began to live while I was on dialysis, forced into a chair for several hours with a television in front of me. And now I need to work out how to get out of this rut... and it must be a rut for I keep talking about it as if it will change and yet it never does.

I somehow need to get in touch with the 26 year old version of myself and ask for his help. I can't tell you that next month will be any different than the last few months. But I'm at least approaching that moment where I own my laziness, and if I could just do that, maybe.... maybe I stand a chance to break free and not only remember who I used to be, but perhaps can be that me again.