Acceptance of failure can be it's own success.

I should have written this a couple of weeks ago. I have no particular reason why I didn’t, although I have to admit that I’ve become a Netflix junkie and find it very easy to become addicted and distracted to the new series that come out every month... every week.

Just this week I knocked off two fairly recent series.. “Sisters” & “Maniac”. That’s 17 hours of dedicated television watching. Add in that I watched an episode of “The Good Place” an episode of “Better Call Saul” and two episodes of “Wrecked” and I’m up to 21 hours of television and that doesn’t take into account the myriad moments of CNN where I found myself so disgusted by the goings on of the republican side of our government I had to switch to something else and that led to many satisfying hours of laughter and tears through Sisters, followed by several hours of a mind boggling psychological Alice in wonderland meets the matrix meets the X files meets twilight zone meets 80’s retro imagined future-realized-esque dark dramedy that bookends “Superbad” in the way that “You’ve Got Mail” bookends “Joe Versus the Volcano”... sorta. Yep.. I just said that. I digress. I’ve pushed off the inevitable for too long… I need to write this now. And maybe now is the most relevant time to say what need be said. Add two weeks to the day that I’m writing this and it will literally be the eve of my one year anniversary of my kidney transplant. I’ve had another person’s body part keeping me alive for a year. I’ve been dialysis free for a year. I’ve been a lazy slug for a year. I’ve continued to uphold this idea that I will be a better version of me now that I’ve been given this second chance and yet haven’t… for a year. This blog was supposed to record the very cool things I will do or have done thanks to this second chance and it’s failed miserably... well.. I’ve failed miserably… I can’t blame that on the blog… can I? No… no, it’s all me… and the harsh reality is that I will make these same choices even in the light of the fact that I am the reason this experiment failed and only I can be the reason it won’t… but I dream big and have no follow through. I literally dream that I’m running my 10th mile for no other reason than running feels good… the cool wind and a light mist in my face as I make my way to the bottom of Chocorua (oh… in my dream I’m running in early October in a light mist over mount Chocorua because that’s how fucking healthy I am), only another mile and a half to my cabin in the woods where a warm cup of (insert beverage here) awaits me along with my dog Henry, a newspaper and a morning fire. Annie will be up soon and Charly is coming for a visit today. I don’t have a cabin in the woods… I don’t have a dog named Henry and we all know that I’m not healthy enough to run a single mile never mind ten. When I have that dream or the similar healthy Bil dreams… there’s always a moment where he’s winking at the true version of me as I sorta sadly wave at him passing me by. I can’t tell you that today is officially the last time I will post to this blog, but I can tell you that I have no current intention to continue writing in this blog. I may have a sentimental reason to write again in two weeks… but I’ll play that by ear. After that… it could be a sporadic kind of a thing or it might be nothing at all. I will continue to upkeep the “Robots in the Paint” blog and it’s more likely that you’ll find kidney related commentary on the blog than in this one. On the positive side of all of this, at least I ascribe to the belief that you can’t fail at something unless you try that something first. I gave this the better part of a year to be an outlet for my travails. The failure was my unwillingness to participate in the grand story that my mind can conjure. It’s possible that there are “reasons” and not “excuses” why this all went the way it did… but I’m skeptical of that. And one last thing… just because I write a post… doesn’t mean I post it… but the interface for writing these keeps them as draft versions and two of those are still lingering… I may decide to either post them as is or maybe tweak them a bit and release them as well… but the reason one of them didn’t get posted was because I went deep and it got dark… I am after all a complicated and complex human with dark passengers that I hold at bay so as to never reveal the parts of me that might make you uneasy. Or is that just something I tell myself so as to exude the allure of mystery like the man at the party who makes genuine effort to stand coolly posed against the wall with a look of ease… a veritable contradiction of himself.